Circa July 4th, 2015

Dear Diary,

I was invited to a July 4th party at a friend’s condo in Capitol Hill where we can see the Gas Works fireworks happening from his backyard. I never knew that there could be such a circle of (good-looking) gay men where who party the same way over and over again. Partying in a way where they were all getting high and going to the club scene dancing half naked with other random men. The host and the host’s friends seem to always be after fresh meat of gay guys that have just moved newly to the city. The host who invited me and was keen on me (whom I’ve put off dating and hanging out with at the turn of the year) has a new boyfriend who moved in last March. Mike (Mike is one of the host’s friend) has a new boyfriend as well who moved in just a couple of weeks ago from Texas who works for Boeing as a mechanical engineer manager. Last year, he didn’t have a boyfriend. The host, Mike, and a cute guy who I don’t know the name of were playing a bit of a tug-o-war with me (me being the rope) plus other guys from the nightclub, this was a huge contrast from last year’s party. These two new guys are both Asian. After talking to them, they both seem to be in love with their boyfriends. They feel genuinely in love and serious about the relationship that these two Asian guys find themselves in. They are so naïve, unfortunately.

I spoke with a pediatric neurologist the following day, who told me about a study that came from Japan about platonic cuddling. In japan there is a service where people can purchase 1 hour of platonic cuddling, usually it is men who are the customers of this service. We talked about how everyone is just looking to release dopamine, oxytocin, and other neurotransmitters from hookups. We came to a brief conclusion that the methods that these gay men engaging in hookups are a primeval way of releasing of those enjoyable neurotransmitters. The maybe perfect alternative to hookups would be finding one’s self a platonic cuddle buddy or just being surrounded with really close friends that one would be comfortable to cuddle with in bed… platonically.

Going back to the party, I’ve spoke with a few gay men in the party of which have interesting, well-paid jobs. One’s a financial advisor with some sort of specialization, real estate agent, etc. In the party, there are a two types of guys, the ones that knows and are friends with everybody and then the group that are quite new and doesn’t know anybody from the party (who often become the wall flowers). Both type of guys are good looking, no one in the party went passed the BMI of 25, 95% of the guys were physically fit, even the wall flowers of the party were quite cute. The former type of guys would usually be found having fun, making jokes, talking to everyone, dancing in place, etc. There was this very wealthy man who was in the party who has a very beautiful home that I went to during last year’s Christmas Party. Now, he told me what he does, what I think he does is pretty cool. It’s commercial and, to make it less vague, what he does is found in every Costco store. He’s just so damn rich, haha. He’s very nice, polite, and intelligibly confident. Just when everyone was trickling out to the nightclub that everyone from the party was going to, this man just feeds crack to other gays in the balcony like it was nothing. He shares these drugs as if it only cost him a dime. From the balcony, I pass a bedroom where some of these guys were getting high on drugs, too. Out in the living room I hear a conversation about people trying other drugs and how it has affected them positively and negatively. All I ever had was just a can of beer, which was enough to ride out the buzz and pretend like I was on something. Everyone seem to be curious what I was on and I tell them that I’m on nothing, and they think that I’m lying which I thought was hilarious. I didn’t have to be so convincing! Everyone else just seemed to be completely shat.

So we were the last batch of group that left the condo and went to the nightclub. In the nightclub we were greeted by the people from the party. Walking down further and down the stairs, we can see guys who had come from our party dancing without their shirt on. The dance floor was quite full. I got myself a shot of tequila and continued on to the dancefloor. I enjoyed myself for a bit and then one of the guys that I know from the party started to lift my shirt up as if to remove it. He goes, “I know you’re fit, you’re a trainer,” to which I reply, “Yeah, but I’m conservative. I’m not like that.” The night goes on when the club gets to be even more full and then to my surprise (comparing from the last time I went out) there were a lot of Asians on the dance floor. I think what had happened was that Canadians drove from Vancouver to Seattle to party for the summer. I was completely turned off. Then I took a step back and observed the entire situation as a whole. I saw the faces of the guys I knew and the rest of the people in the club and thought, how could anyone live like this?? How was this different from last time? Is this it? I didn’t find this activity purposeful, I’ve already had my fun that one time around last year, and now it’s just oh so boring. I felt a bit disenchanted and decided to leave the club and all of it behind me. Thankfully, the streets were safe as it was quite a ways to walk to my car. I drove home after that… until I got whisked away by some beautiful, Swiss foreigner driving a red convertible Mustang who was heading back to Switzerland 8am that morning. He’s a hot 30 year old and we are staying in touch. I’ll keep it brief as that encounter is a whole different story. It’s easy to conclude that I at least ended my July 4th wonderfully, haha.

Another Day

circa 08/08/2015

Dear diary,

Today, I had a date with a guy who looked quite similar to my crush in middle school all grown up. By that I mean if you put them if you put them side by side, they have very similar facial features and body hair. When I was at his place laying next to him at an angle made the both of them more identical. Which was so attractive. I learned that Bozeman, Missouri is a nice place where many rich people live.

Sincerely,
Me

Str8 FWB – First Encounters with Nathan

Dear Diary,

Ok, so I finally have a straight up, masculine guy who is 27 years old who really is bisexual. He’s lean, blond, smooth and I enjoy sucking his cock and receiving anal sex from him, bareback. I’ve gone out a few times with him and doing things that I haven’t done in a while or things I haven’t done before. He’s open to doing plenty of things, which is great. He may be playful and willing to do things with me, he isn’t truly affectionate (well only at rare times when he’s open to emotional sensitivity) and I would say, tries to stir drama within me when there is none or could ever be. He’s attempted to make me jealous several times, I suppose. He does say that he wants to have babies and so will end up having wife one day, whom he says will never know about his sexual escapades with men, as they would never be okay with that.

Now that I’ve had a taste of him and more, I don’t really know what else to do with him. He is really good in bed with really good libido, but I feel like I’m the 40 year old woman who finds herself torn with what she wants from her 27 year old boy-toy. I feel like I need to cash out before everything falls to shit or actually just end up being friends with him, I don’t know. He has told me all plenty of his stories and past relationships with guys. I guess he always one-ups me on all things.

So I guess this is pretty much it. This is what it’s like to have a “Str8” FWB. After this, I pretty much just need to restructure my desire and what I want with the relationships that I have with people, in general, and in my personal/love life and to embody it.

If I don’t ever hear from him again, it wouldn’t really matter to me.

Sincerely,
Me

Circa 10/12/2015

January 2017 – The ‘Hook-Ups’

Dear Diary,

It’s been about a week since my chain of deliciousness began. I didn’t think I’d write a journal about it but here we are. Before I begin, so much has happened in the past 1 week that I can’t believe that it has only been one week! It feels as though a month has past by with the amount of things going on. From the time I leave work there’s something to go to and people to hangout with.

Ok so here we go. Last Monday I was having home-cookeed dinner with my friend Brian. We spoke about random things, took pictures for my Linkedin profile, and he handed me multivitamins and probiotics to take home (he’s in retail). While we were talking about cute guys, there was this conventionally good looking guy that messaged me on Grindr. We get into a little chat. I knew that after I leave Brian’s house I was just going home as I was pretty exhausted. Brian somewhat urges me to go see this guy, and I was pushing for no, I just wanting to go home afterwards. But as it went on I did cave in last minute when I left and decided to go to this guy’s place when I started heading back home.

When I met him, he was gorgeous. So handsome, fit, beautiful, and 24 years old. He had the most beautiful blond pubic hair I’ve seen and had a big, girthy penis as well. We had an intense encounter when we got on the bed. He started rubbing the tip of his cock around my hole. With not much left to do, I sat on it and it felt good. After sex, we had conversation in bed – naked. His pictures of him and his friends were on the wall. He was very kind. He did not want me walking back home in the cold and so he took it upon himself to take me home. There I was, in the passenger seat of a black Mercedez, with my hole feeling like it was leaking. Wish he was the one, but apparently I was the only one who was infatuated.

The next day I was hoping to get a reply from him before I got home from work. I started texting my friend Brian and told him everything. I started to get mildly crazy about this guy. I told Brian that if I do not get a response from this guy I am definitely going out on a date in the evening with another guy that I’ve been chatting with. Brian said to date the new guy anyway even if my crush replies. I texted him one more time, no reply was returned. I felt so heartbroken. I was lucky enough to have a distraction that evening. I had a date with a guy who had lean, tight, muscles. He turned out to be a spectacular lover in bed. It felt so good. He stayed at my place for the night. We had a great conversation as well.

The following day, Wednesday, I went to Hotcakes with Brian to catch up on things. Then there was this boy who messaged me, 19 years old, and invited me to his place. Smooth body and great D pic. He’s also Caucasian, so I had to abruptly leave Brian when the store was about to close in 5 minutes to get some action, the guy wanted me to come before 30 minutes as then his partner would be home by then.

Mr. hot Brazilian (a regular) wanted to drop his pants and get sucked that weekend. Something came up that he couldn’t come, the usual things when str8 guys. But it’s always been like that and he has always returns and makes up for it.

Sincerely,
Me

Day I Started Going All Organic and Vegan

Dear Diary,

So after a week after deciding to go vegan, I’ve finally gone through the rest of my food inventory and today is the first day I went all vegetables – especially non meat products.

 

Let’s see how I’ll start to feel. I also used up my tamanu and other essential oils like tea tree and rose mary to replenish my skin with whatever health benefits.

 

I might need to change my laundry detergent. It’s been 4 weeks since I’ve had this redness on my elbow, hmm.

 

Here are brands and companies to AVOID, taken from the film ‘What the Health?’Apparently, government programs are sponsored by the same companies that causes health issues – probably why the country is unforgivably obese than most other nations in the world… instead of being sophisticatedly healthy, like the French; oh idk.

cta1cta2

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Sincerely,

Me

Life’s Lesson

Dear Diary,

 

Being the only person that manages my own schedule – life has truly tested my limits. There are so much things to do, so many people to meet, and many bills to pay with such little time. I tried living the last several weeks not caring what the next week would hold, but it didn’t work into my favor. I’ve let things astray. I’ve let money slip through my fingers including careless investments, bar hopping, and other events. Sure, I learned a few things here and there, perhaps I should seriously think about what tomorrow holds.

 

There’s just been so many boys to meet and people to hangout with. I’ve never dealt with balancing that with work. And so, I have to learn how to balance work with leisure.

 

This next week, I’ll try to make a weekly schedule for learning new skills, dating, working, stable-job search, working out, friends, and family. Then I’ll have my monthly schedule for finances, goals assessment, and other weird stuff that no one is really into.

 

I feel slightly better having written out some of these things.

 

Yours Truly,

Me

Circa 01/03/2015

Zachary

Circa 12/20/2014

 

One Friday night, I went bar hopping with Darren who brought Chris – a guy he was dating at the time. They’re both in their 30’s. We chatted a bit and decided to scout the room for a potential mate for me. I jokingly pointed to a guy and, to my surprise, Chris got up and approached him to tell him how I liked him! I was so embarrassed. Darren and I were bursting with laughter. Anyway, the guy said that he was taken. We chatted some more then got around to several bars and had a good time.

 

There was one bar that I liked, purely because of the crowd. A few harmless smiles were thrown around the room when we arrived. I felt welcomed. While we were ordering drinks, there was an incredibly tall man inching closer behind me by the minute, looking down on me like he was going to eat me. The distance between him and I was suffocatingly close. Darren finally got our drinks and we booked it out of there.

 

I had so much fun, I nearly kidnapped a teddy bear from that place.

 

When we were at our last bar together, I met this 21-year-old guy. He was with a group of university students whom I chimed in with. Darren and Chris told him to get my phone number, as they know that I wouldn’t give it out. Darren and Chris went home and left me alone to be with him. After a being with this boy for a while, I felt like I was caring for a child. Haha. I was over it.

 

It finally came time for their group to return home to Redmond. Their car was parked opposite ways from me. When I took out my keys from my pocket, I thought the night was over. I briefly had to remind myself that I didn’t have a curfew and nobody is waiting for me at home! So I easily waltzed myself into a gay nightclub and danced. There was this super cute, young and shitfaced white boy who sometimes felt it necessary to dance with a girl, but totally enjoyed a gay guy’s company. He reminds me of a closeted Christian boy who sang Christian music back in my hometown, ahem, Spencer, ahem.

 

I then met Zach, who is 25yo, Irish and German, and 5’9″. He impressively had many friends with him in the nightclub. We danced a little bit and he was hitting on me hard – he seemed keen and had a lot of interests. He invited me to his X-mas that was happening the following night, I accepted it. He then swore that he never asked this often to other people… he asked me out to dinner and to take me out on dates. He asked for my phone number.

 

I saw him again at the night of the X-mas party. It was in this condo that he and his ex-bf bought for $315,000. He introduced me to a lot of his friends, I liked that a lot. I talked to several people and networked. Frankly, one of the guys there recognized me and asked if I was one of the “master trainers” at his gym (and I was). This guy was super cute. He is a software engineer at Amazon who was clearly fit and was very easy to chat with. Had he not have a partner, I would have loved to go out and get to know him better.

 

There were about 30-50 people in the party, and soon we started leaving Zach’s condo and trickling into a gay club, where, by the end of the night, a good amount of the guys remove their shirts and continued to dance.

 

We drove to our destination, it was not far, I went with Dee and Calvin who insisted I go with. My cover charge and drink was paid for. I had so much freakin’ fun dancing, flirting, and being looked out for by people from the party. It felt like it was my birthday. There were easily eight guys who were hitting on me. Zach told me he was getting a little bit jealous while I was talking to one of them. I sat on a stool, completely buzzed, and this other guy came up to me, lifted my legs, and started doing missionary style to me to the beat of the music. I told him to stop, he kept going, and I innocently laughed it off then got myself out of that situation.

 

The same cute guy from the party who works at Amazon saw me by the stairs alone and walked up to me. He asked me if I was thirsty. I said yes, so we walked over to get a drink. He was sweet, though I still didn’t know his name. The three of us danced together at one point. It felt a little weird, I played it cool when I was around his boyfriend. I wish I kept contact!

 

It was such a fun night.

 

Zach and a few of his friends was ready to hit another club that evening. There were cute guys that Zach was chatting with when we got inside. Zach knows so many people! This is probably why he is becoming real estate agent come February.

 

It wasn’t too long when Zach asked if I’d like to go over to one of his friend’s house next, of course I said yes. I got to see another side of life of the gays. I thought Zach’s condo was very nice, but this house is amaaaazing. Hot friends dancing in the kitchen, there was a bit of snacks around – I was tired and sat in the living room by myself, I was tired.

 

It was a great evening. I experienced something new in life and genuinely exciting. I had a good time, something I haven’t had in a very long time.

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