Circa July 4th, 2015

Dear Diary,

I was invited to a July 4th party at a friend’s condo in Capitol Hill where we can see the Gas Works fireworks happening from his backyard. I never knew that there could be such a circle of (good-looking) gay men where who party the same way over and over again. Partying in a way where they were all getting high and going to the club scene dancing half naked with other random men. The host and the host’s friends seem to always be after fresh meat of gay guys that have just moved newly to the city. The host who invited me and was keen on me (whom I’ve put off dating and hanging out with at the turn of the year) has a new boyfriend who moved in last March. Mike (Mike is one of the host’s friend) has a new boyfriend as well who moved in just a couple of weeks ago from Texas who works for Boeing as a mechanical engineer manager. Last year, he didn’t have a boyfriend. The host, Mike, and a cute guy who I don’t know the name of were playing a bit of a tug-o-war with me (me being the rope) plus other guys from the nightclub, this was a huge contrast from last year’s party. These two new guys are both Asian. After talking to them, they both seem to be in love with their boyfriends. They feel genuinely in love and serious about the relationship that these two Asian guys find themselves in. They are so naïve, unfortunately.

I spoke with a pediatric neurologist the following day, who told me about a study that came from Japan about platonic cuddling. In japan there is a service where people can purchase 1 hour of platonic cuddling, usually it is men who are the customers of this service. We talked about how everyone is just looking to release dopamine, oxytocin, and other neurotransmitters from hookups. We came to a brief conclusion that the methods that these gay men engaging in hookups are a primeval way of releasing of those enjoyable neurotransmitters. The maybe perfect alternative to hookups would be finding one’s self a platonic cuddle buddy or just being surrounded with really close friends that one would be comfortable to cuddle with in bed… platonically.

Going back to the party, I’ve spoke with a few gay men in the party of which have interesting, well-paid jobs. One’s a financial advisor with some sort of specialization, real estate agent, etc. In the party, there are a two types of guys, the ones that knows and are friends with everybody and then the group that are quite new and doesn’t know anybody from the party (who often become the wall flowers). Both type of guys are good looking, no one in the party went passed the BMI of 25, 95% of the guys were physically fit, even the wall flowers of the party were quite cute. The former type of guys would usually be found having fun, making jokes, talking to everyone, dancing in place, etc. There was this very wealthy man who was in the party who has a very beautiful home that I went to during last year’s Christmas Party. Now, he told me what he does, what I think he does is pretty cool. It’s commercial and, to make it less vague, what he does is found in every Costco store. He’s just so damn rich, haha. He’s very nice, polite, and intelligibly confident. Just when everyone was trickling out to the nightclub that everyone from the party was going to, this man just feeds crack to other gays in the balcony like it was nothing. He shares these drugs as if it only cost him a dime. From the balcony, I pass a bedroom where some of these guys were getting high on drugs, too. Out in the living room I hear a conversation about people trying other drugs and how it has affected them positively and negatively. All I ever had was just a can of beer, which was enough to ride out the buzz and pretend like I was on something. Everyone seem to be curious what I was on and I tell them that I’m on nothing, and they think that I’m lying which I thought was hilarious. I didn’t have to be so convincing! Everyone else just seemed to be completely shat.

So we were the last batch of group that left the condo and went to the nightclub. In the nightclub we were greeted by the people from the party. Walking down further and down the stairs, we can see guys who had come from our party dancing without their shirt on. The dance floor was quite full. I got myself a shot of tequila and continued on to the dancefloor. I enjoyed myself for a bit and then one of the guys that I know from the party started to lift my shirt up as if to remove it. He goes, “I know you’re fit, you’re a trainer,” to which I reply, “Yeah, but I’m conservative. I’m not like that.” The night goes on when the club gets to be even more full and then to my surprise (comparing from the last time I went out) there were a lot of Asians on the dance floor. I think what had happened was that Canadians drove from Vancouver to Seattle to party for the summer. I was completely turned off. Then I took a step back and observed the entire situation as a whole. I saw the faces of the guys I knew and the rest of the people in the club and thought, how could anyone live like this?? How was this different from last time? Is this it? I didn’t find this activity purposeful, I’ve already had my fun that one time around last year, and now it’s just oh so boring. I felt a bit disenchanted and decided to leave the club and all of it behind me. Thankfully, the streets were safe as it was quite a ways to walk to my car. I drove home after that… until I got whisked away by some beautiful, Swiss foreigner driving a red convertible Mustang who was heading back to Switzerland 8am that morning. He’s a hot 30 year old and we are staying in touch. I’ll keep it brief as that encounter is a whole different story. It’s easy to conclude that I at least ended my July 4th wonderfully, haha.

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