My Career, Body, and Love Life Troubles

circa 08.17.2013

Here I am with a minor stumbling block. My client tells me to edit her current website instead of going with a new one I’ve made from scratch. I understand her fears and troubles of having to go through learning a new programming herself on top of running a studio. All this stuff is new to me… I never had to face something like this before. To solve this and pursue my dreams of becoming a content developer, I must learn how to manage and develop WordPress websites so that clients have something familiar to work with.

My next issue in my troublesome early 20-something life, is that I am not in my super, prime physical shape at all. So far, I have been doing cardio with a little bit of weight lifting.  I do not see me becoming very attractive anytime soon. My face is too youthful and I look quite like a prepubescent teen. I did not come out on top on the genetics scale of masculinity and testosterone. However, I still need to become more physically fit and lose 5lbs to attain a lean and chiseled body. I also need a well-suited hairstyle that compliments my face…or something.

Another thing that has been lingering my thoughts on is dedicating myself to be single throughout my entire lifespan for a few reasons:

Never in my teens (or prior) have I been involved  in romantic relationships. I never had the opportunity to be sweet or romantic. At this point, I am afraid to get into a relationship because I do not have any experience with being sweet. I’m afraid of disappointing my partner in this way. I’ve always been alone.
Being single, I will never cheat or be cheated on – which is one of my biggest fears. Risks for STDs are still there when you  have a partner who may potentially turn against you.
I’ll be able to focus on what I want to pursue in my own terms without regarding anyone else. Being single, my future seems clearer and malleable for obvious reasons compared to others who have committed themselves to a relationship.
So those are just a few reasons why I feel like it is a very reasonable choice. However, I also want to put out a few points to why it may be a bit rough.

Never will I experience the joy of being in a relationship with someone, calling someone “my own.”
I’ll have no one else to get intimate with and at the same time share in discovering the wonders of the world and the excitements concealed within it.
Missing out on company and things people in relationships think are a plus when they have someone by their side.

So today overall, I just feel like dropping all things productive, and just letting loose for a bit. I just wanted to list the things that have been troubling me so I can deal with them since they are now defined.

Since I’m here with nothing else better to do, I might as well go deeper by writing about how I envy my friends.

So there is a man my age who I will name as Andrew. Andrew apparently is successful and gets a knack out of partying. I may not be down for partying all the time, however, I quite envy that he is completely satisfied with his life. He lives where he wants to live simply because he worked hard for it. He’s talented, smart, and… white. Although for me he isn’t very high on the scale of facial attractiveness, he seems to befriend many other hot attractive guys. His scene though, isn’t my scene – it’s a little bit trashy and gaudy at times. I’d like to maintain class and some dignity while meeting suitable bachelors.

But enough of that, right now I’m thinking of a guy. who I once knew. who bloomed to such a wonderful and dreamy guy, physically. He is by the name Tanner, who has a very masculine face with very short black hair, thick brows, and a square-faced jaw. I knew I liked him in 7th grade. He looks so great in what I find in his pictures today, eight years later. If I could define one of my greatest joy and happiness in life, it would include having to spend time with Tanner and getting to know him a little better. Let me share a little background on this guy, drawing from my memories, is that he is nouveau riche  (I know Des you totally hate those kinds.) His father is a psychiatrist, I think, and they were moving to a new big house in a new area from when I just met him. He’s into sports, blah blah blah – I’m done describing – him just know that everyone else will find him attractive. *Sigh* But moving on…

I don’t know, I do say that I try to get a little wiser, but there are just times I’m caught off guard. Sometimes wise decision-making skills completely disappears when hormones skyrocket. Then, you start to make irrational choices because you’re done with thinking logically. A quality that comes handy with this is self-control.

Where do I go from here? Just wait another year? Work on my human capital and master a few trades before I graduate?

Oh – I just want to be happy.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s